The Birds for Spoonies
Trying to explain to a close friend what it is like to be chronically ill, predominantly with Fibromyalgia and related conditions, brought me to a road block. How do you explain to people who get out of bed in the morning with a full day planned that I can’t even plan when I’ll be able to get my feet on the floor and get up out of bed each day.
I haven’t had the words, and as I try to wrap my brain around the question, another question comes at me. Then the questions are repeated with more intensity closer to my face and all I can do is stammer and cover my face; protect my brain; try to stop the overwhelming feeling flashing through my brain cells. The longer it takes to respond the more it looks like any response is dubious, at best. I’ve had to turn away from these situations before it flairs through my spine resulting in cramping of muscles, pulling on my skull, burning pain through my brain that fights relief. As long as I can keep meds and a bit of food down, I’m okay. Being an hour from home..not okay.
This most recent encounter with my friend took place in 32 degree F weather with a brisk wind off the Maine water. Between the questions and the weather I was stopped cold in my tracks, so to speak, and I refused to walk further. I’m not used to standing up for myself. I tend to be a people pleaser, at my detriment, but this lesson has been hard learned – listen to my body and respond to it’s needs.
I’ve been accused of running away from people. I haven’t been running away from you. I am running towards relief. Running towards a chance of catching the pain before it settles in and takes over. I am running towards relief. I am in plain site – in my bed – awaiting visitors. Where have you been?
This episode brought about my chance to learn about Spoons as they relate to chronic illness. The Spoon Theory was a great way to visualize my day and I left the theory out for others to read. Asked them to read it. I put out a jar with the used Spoons for the day with the remainder beside the jar. Near the door. You’ll know as soon as you walk in how I’m doing for spoons today.
As great as The Spoon Theory was for me and thinking about my activities in a different way, it didn’t cover the mental toll that pain and other symptoms takes from us. When confronted on the windy street all I could do was wave my arms around in front of my face, trying to clear my brain, trying to communicate when systems were failing, trying to keep the birds from pecking my eyes out.
That was it. My metaphor. My visual tool for my chronic illness control.
Alfred Hitchcock’s movie The Birds with Tippy Hedren.
I googled for a picture of the birds in the face scene, and I also found a beautiful photo of Tippy Hedren in a classic little black dress with a Raven sitting quietly on her arm.
She looks so elegant in this shot. So in control of the moment. Unafraid. Poised. Calm.
She may be gorgeous in this photo, but you can’t forget she has this huge bird on her arm.
That’s how Fibromyalgia feels. I clean up well and I know how to wear 3 inch heels and put on Mascara, but no matter how good I look ( but you don’t look sick?!) Fibromyalgia and other chronic demands are holding onto my arm with claws. Always.
Now add other stressors. Other symptoms. Take your pick. About anything will do it. Before long you are fighting off the crazed birds. They want you taken down and all you can do is hope to reach the safety of your meds, your TENS unit, and anything else you count on to get through a spell.
I’ve printed out 8 x 10′s of each picture and I’ve hung them beside the bed. Anything that helps you is worth putting near the bed.
Now I have a way to convey my struggle. How many birds are after you today?
Tags: Alfred Hitchcock, Chronic Illness, chronic pain, coastal living, East Coast, Endometriosis, Fibromyalgia, Health, IBS, Maine, New England, northeast, pain, Pain Management, PTHS, Spoonies, The Birds, The Spoon Theory
